Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
