foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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