He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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