That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You can't just leave with hair like that
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
