Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
