shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm way too hungover for life right now
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
