youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
