wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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