Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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