Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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