I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
