So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
