So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
