Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Terrible idea I love it
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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