this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
