I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
