Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Randomize
