I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
