the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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