I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
