Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
