hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
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I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
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Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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