I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
