2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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