4 words: hood of his car
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
