Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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