Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
