can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
