I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
