did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
