I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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