i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
