Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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