so that wasnt chicken after all
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
