I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
