I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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