I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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