My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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