just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
