dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
