WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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