someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
