ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
