I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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