I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
