We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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