The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
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I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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