I could have mohawked her pubes.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
