I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
