Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
