Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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