Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
