my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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