Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
