Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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