Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
