why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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