Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
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you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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