we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
