No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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