Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
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There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
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No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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