i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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