You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
